The Giggles Behind the Pros and Cons of Adoption pt 2

This post started off as a rant on Twitter. I shared one of my earlier posts about friendships and my wishful thinking of how much nicer it would be if our friends also understood and cultivated therapeutic friendships instead of those unhelpful cliches of ‘you are amazing‘, ‘I couldn’t do it‘, ‘your children are really lucky to have you‘ …etc. Within minutes my Twitter feed exploded with fellow adopters sharing their frustration and the hilarious @emmaglsutton started this tag of Pros & Cons of adoption vs childbirth and our adopter friends kept on adding their own experiences. Our laughter grew louder with each new comment and Emma and I had the same idea: these are too good not to collect them into a blog post. To be fair to each other, instead of doing the same post twice we agreed to do a Part 1 and Part 2 – one for each of us to post on our own blog. This is my first collaboration, let’s hope it’s a successful one! πŸ™‚

For Part 1 please go over to Emma’s page HERE. You will see she did some of the copy-paste and I will do the rest.

Apparently this is the sign of Adoption

Pros and Cons

Pro: Your children can be very close in age
Con: If they are close in age people ask if they were planned that way

Pro: you get to pick if it’s a girl or boy or one each or two of the same
Con: nobody is playing the gender guessing game

Pro – no one expects you to breast feed, checks their ‘latch’ or evaluates your nipples
Con – you don’t get to breast feed them

Con: you have no idea how old they will be, so decorating the nursery is hard
Pro: you get to pick if you have a girl, boy or more than one at a time

Pro: you don’t have to check they are breathing every time they are asleep
Con: no wait, you’re going to do that anyway

Con: you can’t send your partner out in the middle of the night for cravings
Pro: you never get an urge to eat coal or mud

Pro: able to get smashed at my baby shower
Con: everyone else in the restaurant thoughts I was drinking when pregnant

Con: you don’t get to flounce around in dungarees or shapeless moo-moos
Pro: see above!

Pro: no-one touches your belly like it’s open season on your skin
Con: no-one gets all excited for your upcoming arrival(s)

Pro: you miss out on hours of Teletubbies watching
Con: you go straight to hours of Fireman blooming Sam

Pro: adopting siblings gets you 2 all at once, they can play together, still in different classes
Con: more parent evenings to attend at once

Pro: no tossing and turning and trying to get comfortable in the last trimester
Con: there isn’t one! πŸ™‚

Pro: missing child birth (pain)
Con: missing child birth (being there for them from the first minute)

People are clueless and/or ignorant

To be honest I also said similar comments to adopters and after having my very challenging boys I still mean some of them. I agree that adopters (me included) are brave to do this. We are indeed borderline crazy at times. I agree that we have our ‘hands full’, but for totally different reasons! I still believe our children are lucky to have us as new parents, but not because we are so amazing (or ‘saints’ as I have been called before), but because we are a tad bit better than their first set of parents!Β  I have said it many times and I am quite vocal about the fact that we could have birth children if we wanted to. Somebody once caught me at the wrong time with a ‘your boys are so lucky‘ comment to which I responded ‘aren’t your children so lucky you had strong and healthy sperms and your wife a willing egg?‘. He thought it was an inappropriate comment. Fancy that…

Adoption (and Foster care too!) are still a somewhat obscure thing that’s definitely not for everybody. BUT that shouldn’t mean the majority of people still don’t know what to say or how to say it? As one adopter pointed out we have our culturally acceptable pleasantries we say to a visibly pregnant lady (‘you are glowing’), but people are often clueless as to what to say to somebody who considers or have gone through adoption to grow a family. People who have birth children AND also adopted commented that they notice the difference in how people react – and here I am not only talking about the rude or straight out stupid comments like ‘was three of your own not enough for you?‘ or ‘didn’t you want another real child instead?

Emma wrote a book and it’s due to be released on Kindle soon (this is not a paid plug, I am genuinely very happy she wrote a book for non-adopters to educate them about our new reality) in which she gives good tips and Do’s and Don’ts for people to say or do when they find themselves in an awkward situation with an adopter. Scary stuff… I know! πŸ™‚

Do you have any other Pros and Cons that didn’t make the list? We are always open for more giggles πŸ™‚

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29 thoughts on “The Giggles Behind the Pros and Cons of Adoption pt 2

  1. Imperfect Mum (@imperfectmumx) says:

    Great post! 🌟 People do say weird things don’t they. I find that as mum of a special needs child I regularly get comments like he’s lucky to have you! Erm no! I think most people are well meaning! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime πŸŽ‰

    Like

    • feelingmumyet says:

      Thanks for reading and commenting! Yes, we know they usually mean well just not sure what to say so whatever they say often comes out wrong πŸ™‚ As I said I was guilty of it too and I am fairly certain I offend others in different area eg medical conditions

      Like

  2. Wendy says:

    This is a really informative post and has definitely given me a lot to think about. I’ve not even met anyone who has adopted but I really in a better place now to know what to say after reading your post. I think most of the time, with most family situations,people only mean well when they make comments like ‘You’re so brave’. xx

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    • feelingmumyet says:

      Hello Wendy, thanks for reading and commenting! Yes, I believe people don’t mean to be mean per se; I know I make the same mistake when I talk to pregnant ladies for example (I also want to touch their bellies)

      Like

  3. thetaleofmummyhood says:

    The first point struck a chord with me. My two are very close together, there’s precisely 10.5 months between them and they were both planned. The other day a lady literally said to Hubs and I ‘haven’t you heard of using anything?’ Rude and crude do not bode well with me, especially when she has no idea as to our background story and why we had them so close! Thanks so much for sharing another fabulous post with #Blogstravaganza xx

    Like

    • feelingmumyet says:

      Oh, sorry you had a bad experience too! My boys have 380 days between them, same height, often mistaken for twins. They were not planned, therefore not treated as they should have been so now they have nicer parents – but I usually don’t explain these… Thanks for reading and commenting

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Matthew Blythe says:

    Hello there, yep to most of those, although being a single male adopter, is so confusing for some people – other adopters are usually agast as to how I cope alone! Thanks for sharing, made me smile!
    #Blogstravaganza

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  5. sillydaddychronicles says:

    That was a wonderful, most informative, but also funny read in certain parts. I do love posts like this where you talk about a very important subject in a entertaining way! I’ll be looking for part now! #Kcacols

    Like

  6. ethannevelyn.com says:

    Very interesting and informative post. I know I dislike it when people want to touch my tummy when I was pregnant, but I know they mean well. Thank you so much for linking up with us on #FabFridayPost xx

    Like

  7. aliduke79hotmailcom says:

    I love this post, especially the getting drunk at the baby shower bit. I think people generally mean well when they say these things, they just don’t always know what to say.
    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time

    Like

  8. Suburban Mum says:

    One of the biggest pros has to be being able to drink at your baby shower! We have friends that went through the adoption process, I completely admire anyone that has chosen to go down that route. #KCACOLS

    Like

    • feelingmumyet says:

      Thanks for reading and commenting! Yes, drinking and soft cheese till the end was great! But because of the boys’ history we don’t drink now so I guess it’s just reversed πŸ˜‰

      Like

  9. Gorgeousgsmama says:

    I recently met a mama at a baby group who fosters and has also adopted and was in the process of adopting a newborn she had at the group with her. Myself and another mum were very inquisitive and the mama was happy to discuss and answer all of our questions. In the same way I would ask a pregnant mama how far gone she is, has she had a pleasant pregnancy and is it her first. I don’t remember feeling the need to tell her the children she was adopting was lucky or she was very brave.

    Thanks for sharing and linking up. It’s insightful to read from an adopter’s perspective. Me and hubs have and will never rule out adopting a child.

    #KCACOLS

    Like

    • feelingmumyet says:

      That’s great when people like you treat adoption just as you would with being pregnant! I would say go for the adoption, it’s not easy, but there are so many children waiting! Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. lisalambert38 - Mumdadplus4.co.uk says:

    This is a fab insight, although not fully the same being a twin mum is just as awkward sometimes when you get the natural or ivf questions and double trouble comments, some people just don’t engage their brain. A friend adopted two children and it was such a huge deal for her and she is a fabulous mummy and I just look at them as hers x x #KCACOLS

    Like

    • feelingmumyet says:

      Hi Lisa, welcome! Yes, people just don’t pause for a sec to think, I am fairly certain they would see their ‘friendly and funny’ comments are not often not friendly and never funny! Oh well… we try… πŸ™‚ thanks for reading and commenting

      Like

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