The Time We Said Enough

Disclaimer: This is not a happy post. This is an honest post because I wanted to show how the constant pushing, emotional and physical abuse from a CHILD directed at the adopter can really push you over. Before you jump to (false) conclusions let me tell you the SWs know about these from us so you don’t need to play Concerned Citizen…

We have the children now for  over a year and yes, it has been bloody hard work. About a month ago we thought we turned the corner, but then Life Story Book happened, we also got to the end of the school time so the familiar structure went out the window and these two together pushed all four of us into disaster mode.

My Twitter friends know we are having VERY rough time with the boys lately that involved running away, being abusive, defiant, aggressive, violent, destructive and probably I could come up with a few more negative  adjectives, but I realise unless you lived it through yourself, these words will not convey the true misery we find ourselves in. When you get to the point of not caring about it anymore… now THAT’S a scary place to find yourself in! I know myself and believe me when I say, over the last year I found out a lot more about myself (and my husband). We are genuinely kind and understanding people, we both worked as volunteers in Africa for years and we both saw enough horror in our lives to develop a good sense of compassion and the ability to look beyond the surface and focus on the real issues deep below. We are very familiar with the boys’ very difficult start in life and how that impacts their very being; their everyday thinking, their motivations, their self image, their preconceived expectations, their improperly wired brain…etc all of it. But as my grandma used to say (not in English) ‘Even slow rivers can erode the bank eventually’!

The time Feelingmumyet, an adopter of two older boys said enough is enough when her adopter children kept on pushing the boundaries.

The slow, but constant pushing and testing, name calling, back chatting and verbal abuse (‘shut up you stupid ****’) together with physical acts like purposefully breaking my flower pots or trashing the house, kicking the rubbish bin to tip over, breaking his bedroom door to prove a point (that 7 is not sleepy at 11 pm) and of course the CPV when all else fails. He is doing all these to gain attention; to release some tension in his body or just simply to let us know in the most unlovable way that he needs love.

Compassion fatigue is real!

We know they don’t do it TO us, they don’t consciously want to sabotage their own future happiness and generally they are not horrible little monsters by default. BUT! And here lies the key. Eventually everybody breaks! Some sooner, some later, but we all get to a point when you say: Enough is enough! The hardest thing I found in my life (and I have been through some pretty awful situations in several continents!) is not giving in! 7 and 8 are constantly testing our patience, our resilience, our willpower, our self control.

When he is attacking you it would be so easy to hit back.
When there is verbal abuse, it would be so easy to remind him of some nasty stuff to make him shut up.
When he shouts ‘he doesn’t love/want me’, it would be so easy to shout back ‘I don’t love/want you either’.

But instead you keep reassuring him you love him, he is safe, you don’t want him to go away, you will never send him away, you are not like Birth Mum. And out of nowhere the moment suddenly comes when you think ‘that’s it, I had enough! I can’t lie any more! I don’t have to be OK with being abused in my own house regardless of what’s causing it. It’s not OK to not feel safe in my own house!’

A few nights ago I was so broken by 8 pm that I got VERY close to do all the above. I was so livid I had to go to my bedroom or else the hurt animal attacks back! Hubby recognised my mood and the shift in my behaviour and that pushed him over the top, too. He was so cross for seeing his wife so torn and out of character that he picked 7 up, threw him in the car and took him straight to the police station. All the way 7 kept on screaming ‘I hate you, you are a f**** s**** b****, I hate this stupid house, I don’t want you to adopt me, call my SW right now to take me away’ and such. Hubby managed to keep his cool and told him ‘you can say all those to the nice police man inside and he will sort this out for you. Good bye.’

As you can imagine that got his attention. 7 immediately started crying saying ‘I want to go home now, I want mummy’ (a few minutes ago I wasn’t and would never be ‘mummy’, but would always remain a f**** s**** b***, but never mind) so hubby made one thing very clear:  Talk  is cheap! We are both fed up with them constantly changing their minds every five seconds (I hate you – I love you) so from now on they need to prove with actions if they want to stay with us. He said this to both boys the next morning.

I was still too angry and upset about the night before so I didn’t even want to see them in the morning. Before hubby took them to holiday club he told me to look in their bedrooms. Both tidied their respective bedrooms without a single word! I was so amazed! 8 especially, always puts up a big tantrum that usually lasts for hours and includes ‘too much, I will never finish, I don’t know where to start, not fair, I will not do it’. But not today. I even mentioned ‘now we have learnt one thing, you ARE able to decide what to do first and you DO have the will power to do the job properly, well done, son!’

Of course both boys apologise after each incident and of course they always promise it will never happen again. Last night 8 gave us both a gift. He hand painted some fridge magnets one for me, one for hubby (see picture above). When you see them you’d think ‘aaaaaaaaaw, how precious;  how lovely; focus on these not on the bad moments; see, they love you’. All I can think now is ‘I am so effin’ tired of this emotional roller-coaster they drag me through several times every day. I will keep them and maybe in the future I will treasure these gifts, but for now I am so emotionally drained that I can’t even acknowledge them’. And it’s not good…

The time Feelingmumyet, an adopter of two older boys said enough is enough when her adopter children kept on pushing the boundaries.
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46 thoughts on “The Time We Said Enough

  1. Wx says:

    I know how this feels. You are only human and you are expected not to be by all sorts of people. Give yourself some space but be careful as words and deeds get easily twisted by people who have no idea of the reality. Your posts make me feel I am not alone and I hope my comment makes you feel a similar way. Stay strong, stay true but be kind to you. Much respect. Xxx

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  2. EMMA says:

    Sorry I can’t help but think that your expectation of them to prove that they mean what they say is too high. To children, particularly traumatised and emotionally younger, are they not just words? do they know the true meaning of love and hate. Do they feel it for real, to be able to demonstrate it and use it in the right context?
    I completely get that children can do something and change their behaviour when they want to, or have a motive, but don’t think it’s possible for them to be able to do it consistently. Like breaking an enormous addiction or habit.
    Maybe I have misunderstood but appreciate how emotionally draining this must be to go through 😦

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  3. Obsessivemom says:

    I can only try to imagine what you’re going through. It must be so very hard to listen to words like that when all you;re trying to do is help. Sending you all the positive vibes that I can. Take care.

    Like

  4. Wx says:

    Hi, how are you feeling today? Thinking about you last night and trying to think of something helpful to say which would help! When I was where you sound like you are things that got me through were distance, sleep and antidepressants. Walking my dog, eating good food and being with friends who get it. I’m sure you have these on your list and I know it’s a cliche but time does heal ( at least until the next time!) take care Wx

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    • feelingmumyet says:

      Hi, thanks for checking back on me. I know time will heal and it looks like 7 got the message as he still starts to kick off all I said was ‘think carefully what your actions say’ and he resorted to shouting only, which is good progress in his case! 8 is still ‘clueless ‘ and continues his manipulative, no remorse, ‘i care only about what i want’ attitude 😦

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  5. mamagrace says:

    There will be a day when they won’t test you. I remember calling the police on a student who needed 2 mentors and restraining frequently and being consistent with my rules. That student ended up at The Brit School. I remember countless students and working with them to create the rules and consequence, if the rules were broken and what I heard from them is that they wanted a safe environment too. #ThatFridayLinky

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  6. Su {Ethan&Evelyn} (@ethannevelyn) says:

    Hello, reading this makes me really upset. This must be so tough. It is really important that you put yourself first because if you don’t, you will be the one who needs help and therapy. And what the kids are going to do if their mummy is unable to look after them?
    Sadly children can be very ungrateful, especially these days.. But they are aware of their actions more than we think and they ARE capable of behaving well. And they should know it is NOT OK to behave badly and disrespect others. My youngest does terrorise our cat – and our cat fights back. If it didn’t react he could hurt him even more. I am not suggesting to physically punish them, but maybe they need a more firmer reactions to their actions.
    My 6yr old is very emotional and throws stuff around and did hurt me on few occasions. I do tend to overreact. But I am just a human and I am protecting myself. That’s how we function. You shouldn’t feel bad about the way you feel. Majority of people would have given up looong time ago.
    I have heard that giving kids responsibilities makes them more grateful.
    There is this also an article about discipline on http://www.afineparent.com ;it is a good read and we try to follow their suggestions. Perhaps you could enrol them to some mindfulness classes too, and sport is really good in installing discipline too.
    Thinking of you x
    #FabFridayPost

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  7. Twin Mum/Dad: Emily (@Twinmumanddad) says:

    I don’t really know what to say. It sounds like they really do test your patience more than most kids test their parents patience, but it really does sound like you’re doing a good job. I admire your attitude, you sound very kind and patient, but as you say enough is enough, and everyone, no matter how strong, has a breaking point. I think your hubby did the right thing. I hope things start to improve. Thanks for linking up to #ThatFridayLinky

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  8. iwbsm says:

    This is uncanny. Even down to the driving to police station (but ours was the hospital) last weekend. It’s tough and I completely empathise with you. All of those thought you mention have also passed through my mind several times in the last week.
    I can offer no advice because we’re also struggling but you have my support.
    I was going to sign this off ‘Take care but if you’re like us then self care has gone out the window (if it ever existed)
    Stay strong. Because you are. That much is evident from writing your post x

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  9. diynige says:

    I totally respect and massively admire you it must be tough I can only imagine fab honest read Thank you for linking to #ThatFridayLinky Please come back next week

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  10. Ali H says:

    I feel unqualified to pass comment. Certainly not on what to do. I can’t empathise as I’ve not experienced the same thing. But, I do know that you have and do give 110%. There is no criticism. Just huge respect for what you are doing. I know I couldn’t.

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  11. thetaleofmummyhood says:

    I wish I had the words to make you feel better. You and your husband sound like truly amazing people, but you’re only human and it’s OK to reach the end of your tether, I really hope things get better for you all. Thanks so much for sharing with myself and #Blogstravaganza, stay strong xxx

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  12. Mrs Jibril says:

    That’s a tough situation to be in , maybe you can take a break from the kids and hubby to rest and relax for awhile. It must be emotionally exhausting #Blogstravaganza

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  13. Wx says:

    Hi, sounds like things are still flat for you. I think after a time a certain reality strikes home. Love is not all you need. A self defence class, a degree in trauma attachment, autism spectrum disorders and shoulders wide enough to carry a very heavy load. Sometimes we need help through it’s ironic as I’ve just had to call the police but they are too busy to attend. That’s domestic violence for you!
    I hope you are managing to find some respite and would strongly consider some help from the local authorities to give you and you husband some time alone. Take care wx

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  14. mummy2twindividuals says:

    It’s going to be a long road and I guess you knew that from the start. I can’t imagine how it’s grinding you down but what you’re doing is amazing – remember that #postsfromtheheart

    Like

  15. jeremy@thirstydaddy says:

    I can’t imagine what this must be like but I give you all the credit in the world for sticking to it and for taking these boys in to begin with. Hopefully the day will come when they appreciate all that you have done and sacrificed for them. #triumphant tales

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  16. Mrs Mummy Harris says:

    Thank you for being so honest with not only yourself, but with us. There is only so much that one person can take before they break and it appears you reached your breaking point. Your self awareness is amazing and i love how your husband made the trip to the Police station. It let them know that words have meaning and that you will take their requests to go elsewhere seriously. Fingers crossed they’ll reconsider shouting it so flippantly next time!
    I hope you get in a better place soon but know that self love is super important. You’ve given so much of yourself that noone would think badly to take some time for yourself!
    Thank you for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week.

    Like

    • feelingmumyet says:

      Thank you! I was wondering sharing it on your linky as it’s anything but triumphant… I see no reason not to be honest, tomorrow I will say the same things to the Head of Children Services and let’s see how they take it. Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Like

  17. Kel K says:

    I’m so sorry it sounds as though you are ALL going through a really rough time. I can’t even begin to imagine as I am not in your shoes, but I know about emotional rollercoasters. Eventually, they make you dizzy and you need to get off. I hope things begin to settle down for you soon. #postsfromtheheart

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  18. Hayley - I am River says:

    I think you a wonderful! What an honest and educating post. Honestly, it sounds like you handled it well and don’t beat yourself up for anything that you feel. I really hope that you get past this tough stage and get to a happier place for everyone. Thanks for being so honest x x #PostsFromTheHeart

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  19. wendy says:

    Oh gosh this sounds like such a difficult situation for you all to be in. I have not experienced this for myself so I can’t offer you any advice, I do hope that you all work this out though and things start to get easier soon xx #blogcrush

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  20. Matthew Blythe says:

    Sending much love and strength. Know what you must be going through. I called the police when they were about 8. They had trashed the house, hurt me, it had gone on for hours. When they police came they were both sat on the settee looking all innocent. The police officer took me to the kitchen and gave me a lecture on parenting, and that they should be in bed, I should be firmer with them!!! Had dealings more recently with the police and the absolutely understand. They have been amazing. It’s so isolating what you are going through. Sending love and hugs again. Xxx
    #FTTWR

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  21. The UnNatural Mother says:

    I really want to say something positive and helpful ( i am sure i have wrote this before ) but adopted or not at some point everyone has to put their foot down and no more softly , softly approach. This is you turning a corner and it will get better but i think you are in for an extremely long journey #PostsFromTheHeart

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  22. Sadie says:

    I can’t advise as I will never know what it feels like to deal with this or do what you’re doing. But I wanted to say I’m in awe of your patience and capacity to care. You may have reached breaking point but you are far from broken.
    #postsfromtheheart

    Like

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