Disruption Meeting Miracles

If you follow our life drama you will know that at the end of the last post things were not going too well for us. Both husband and I got to the point where we realised unless something drastically changes, the placement will not survive our turmoils. Therefore Sunday night we wrote a very honest email to both Social Workers and requested a Disruption Meeting.

If you are unfamiliar with this term, from a council’s website: ‘The term disruption is used to describe an event otherwise referred to as a placement breakdown or a placement ending that was not part of the Child’s Care Plan.  Placements rarely disrupt as a result of the action of one individual but usually through a combination of several factors. Therefore, the objective of a disruption meeting is to take a hard look at everything and agree to a way forward. Participants need to know that the process is not an exercise to apportion blame… ‘

disruption meetings in adoption occur when the adoptive placement is about to break down. Feelingmumyet is an adopter who requested this meeting.

Meeting the Head of Services

Normally such meetings are chaired by at least a Senior Manager or higher; in our case it was the boss of the boss of the boss of our children’s Social Worker. Our SW, the boys’ SW and the two play therapists were there. When the meeting room table has sandwiches and plates set up already you know that it’s going to be a long and hard meeting. When I wrote on Twitter that we have requested this meeting several people commented on how brave we were. This got me thinking…

I have written already about the power dynamics between an Adopter and their Social Worker and from that post you might get the impression that it is ultimately a fight between THEM and US. I believe the system is set up correctly, but somehow along the way sooner or later the adoptive parents and council workers find themselves on the opposing sides. Perhaps it’s because the Child’s Social Worker Job Description and the Adoptive (therapeutic) Parent  to a Traumatised Child Job Description  are different. The SW’s biggest (I don’t want to say ‘only‘, but it often feels that way) concern is the Risk factor for the child, while the parents have to juggle a few other main concerns, too. I feel our boys’ SW isn’t particularly the top of her class and that might be only my subjective opinion (and it could be lots of different reasons, bureaucratic or others  why she can’t do certain things), nonetheless we needed to work together.

Getting ready for this meeting hubby and I realised something important. If we continue to look at them as THEM vs US we all going to fail. We had to work hard to find some common goals that could unite us otherwise we don’t have a chance and everybody will loose. This common thing that should unite us all was the welfare of our children. Putting our differences aside we had to agree to work towards this common goal and if possible, insert individual agendas where appropriate. I strongly believe the LA team also had similar thoughts (heaven forbid instructions from above), because the meeting took place in an open, friendly and professional atmosphere.

Not assigning blame

This is a hard one for me, as I think I can pinpoint some failings on the LA’s side that led us deep down the rabbit hole and consequently a very serious Disruption Meeting had to be called. But for the sake of getting results we didn’t voice them. From their side (see, I keep referring to them as ‘them‘, oh dear me) neither the Chair, nor any of the ladies around the table said anything negative about pretty much anything. I think they also realised that unless we look at each other as equal and fair partners instead of opponents we will all fail the children.

They thought our request for respite was absolutely fair and above debate. Apparently (as our SW said it after the meeting) money wasn’t even considered when they first discussed our request a day before – well, let’s wait and see). To my utmost surprise the Chair came up with a few options and variations of respite for the coming weeks and months. Option 1 was their preferred version of  how things should play out for the next chapter, while option 5 was our preferred version. They have been presented with a neutral tone and we did have the impression they were willing to go even to the extremes if we ask for it as long as it is reasonable and will benefit everybody’s goals (that is for the placement to continue and to be successful).

Honest talking can lead to a good action plan

We said to them honestly that unless they come up with reasonable offers and an immediate support package we have no options but to give notice on the placement. They knew we are not just giving empty threats, that we aren’t just milking them for more money and most importantly, that we are not doing it for our own benefits! Sure, a nice long holiday just for hubby and I would be lovely, but ultimately the goal is for us, parents to recharge our empty batteries, do a little self care and reset our emotional balances so that we would be in a good enough place mentally, emotionally, physically to provide the best care and support for our children.

In addition to regular respite we were given assurance that some targeted Play Therapy sessions will commence to help the children with their Life Story Work. This has been a particularly welcomed action point! They also offered some therapy for hubby and I by a third party who is not on their payroll. In September and Independent Assessment will commence to find out our needs so that a more tailored support package can be offered. And the best bit is that these things are already sent to me in writing! 🙂

The conclusion is a mixed bag, though. On one hand it is wonderful to see the council has a long term view and they treat us as reasonable partners. It IS great to know that respite is coming! It makes it a tiny bit easier to tolerate the punches if you know it’s coming. On the other hand, I still need to borrow energy from somebody so we all make it till the respite starts…

disruption meetings in adoption occur when the adoptive placement is about to break down. Feelingmumyet is an adopter who requested this meeting.

52 thoughts on “Disruption Meeting Miracles

  1. tootingmama says:

    Well done you! So chuffed for you.

    Our kids LA offered no support at all. Thankfully I had an amazing VA and a wonderful social worker. I’m still too traumatised to write about my experience. One day I will have the courage to do so!

    You have done the right thing. Just remember you are an amazing parent.


  2. The Real Lara Shoe says:

    I hope the respite comes quickly. It’s good there’s been some good working together. I hope you continue to get more and more support as your doing such an important job. Thanks for sharing with us #FabFridayPost


  3. Lisa Pomerantz says:

    I am grateful you have the help and support you and your spouse need. That is so important and often overlooked. It does take a village to raise children. I wish you all of the best on this journey. ❤ #ThatFridayLinky

    Liked by 1 person

  4. diynige says:

    A wonderful honest and brave post hope it works out Thank you for linking to #ThatFridayLinky Please come back next week for


  5. PinkOddy says:

    I think it is hard not to see Social Care as them and us when they make it feel so much like that. I am glad you were able to have the meeting to discuss things and that support is in written place.


  6. Lucy At Home says:

    Wow what a tough meeting to have to call – my heart really goes out to you. I’m glad to hear that it has gone well and that they agreed with your need for respite. I really hope that, as well as this, they see that more intervention is needed for the well-being of EVERYONE in your family (not just the kids).

    Keep going. You are doing something amazing. #blogcrush


  7. mamagrace says:

    The us and them is very common, the kids do it! Once you can get out of the cycle, so much more can be achieved. Great that you’ve asked foe help and work is being done on The Life Story #PostsFromTheHeart


  8. Matthew Blythe says:

    It’s such a shame you have had to call such a meeting to get the support. I hope the local authority keep to their word for you xx
    #FTTWR #blogcrush #ThatFridayLinky #FabFridayPost


  9. JakiJellz says:

    So pleased you’re are finally getting some support. Such an important job you are doing. Keep smiling 🙂 Thanks so much for linking up to #TriumphantTales – hope to see you again on Tuesday!


  10. RaisieBay says:

    What a difficult situation, I do hope your resolutions come through and that the respite appears. Well done for being so open and honest, I can see this post helping others in your situation.


    • feelingmumyet says:

      Thanks for reading and commenting! I don’t think it would be in anybody’s best interest if I sugar coated some inconvenient truths, adoption is often very hard and demanding!


  11. Kerry says:

    I hope others can benefit from your honest writing! I have not been through this, but a close family member has and I know from the outside how hard it can be, and what lack of support there is sometimes. Thank you so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time.


  12. Sandra Zimmerman says:

    I will stick my neck out and share that we are a family that has disrupted an adoption. In hindsight if we would have only been wise enough to take the steps you did, it would have been less heartache for everyone. Hugs as you move on


    • feelingmumyet says:

      Hello Sandra, thanks so much for reading and being brave to comment. I really appreciate your honesty! Our boys had an adoption breakdown already and when we read the reports (before we got them) I must admit I had a very low opinion of the adopters. Boy, how wrong I was! A lot of what they experienced and eventually led to the breakdown we have also experienced with my husband and I am eating my judgemental words now daily! 😦 It is extremely hard and in some cases sadly it doesn’t matter how great you are, how much support you get, how patient and therapeutic and understanding you are, traumatised children can bring and pass their trauma to you and sometimes it really doesn’t work and will never work and a change of plan is the best option for everybody. Thanks again for speaking up! Hugs to you back!


  13. Kate Eccles says:

    Oh I do hope you get your respite sooner rather than later! I have no personal experience but it does sound like positive measures are being put in place. Wishing you all the best! #KCACOLS


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